Barlow's Beef: What are your new year resolutions?


After considerable thought I have my New Year Resolutions sorted.

First and foremost I want to take offence. I am absolutely hopeless at holding a grudge and it's just not good enough in Britain today. Droves of people who once brushed aside remarks with a wry smile are now queuing up to take offence and I intend to join them.

I shan't simply take offence for my own part I shall do it on behalf of others whether they are offended or not.

Taffy Davies, my erstwhile vicar, was informed by parishioners his very name was 'racist.' The poor chap had been using it since birth and didn't even know to be offended. He does now.

Referring to female actors as actresses is now sexist and describing Yehudi Menuhin simply as a musician is clearly violinist. The problem is many of these individuals are far too insensitive and must learn to take offence if they are to keep pace with modern society.

My second Resolution is to thank all those unfortunate victims who have shaped our current Health and Safety culture.

I want to meet that brave boy who was maimed by a swinging conker and present him with enough goggles for his entire school.

Sadly, I shall probably be too late for the victims of Hospital Flower Vase Syndrome. How generations of sick patients could be exposed to bunches of lilies and tulips is beyond belief. Thank God the only thing left by a hospital bed is now dust.

I desperately want to meet the wife (or husband) of that brave fireman who lost his (or her) life slumbering in a non-ergonomic chair without fear of the consequence.

Thankfully there are now courses available for fire crews to learn how to snooze safely in modern recliners.

My final Resolution is to have an allergy. Some folks boast two or three I don't see why I should miss out. It goes a bit weird at dinner parties when I say I don't have any. Other than not arriving in a white Range Rover there is nothing more likely to make one a social outcast.

Important people don't just have allergies... they collect them.

Bread, milk, nuts, fish but rarely Champagne or spirits. Having an allergy from an obscure food no one's heard of is very trendy and much desired. A restaurant selling such fare would be booked up for months.

Allergies are now so popular I'm astonished the streets aren't strewn with catatonic individuals who have inadvertently inhaled whilst passing Greggs.

There you have it, those are my New Years Resolutions how about yours?

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of

Barlows Beef, Vic Barlow


Here's what readers have had to say so far. Why not add your thoughts below.

Paul Hansford
Tuesday 12th January 2016 at 2:08 pm
Very funny that.