Can anyone help me out? Whilst being force-marched inexorably towards a federal Europe the United Kingdom is devolving like a spinning top. Parliaments and Assemblies are popping up faster than Costas.
What's going on? Are we expanding into Europe or contracting into our shells? Doing both at the same time seems rather odd don't you think?
The Scots insist on a lot more say in the running of their affairs. Which sounds great until you have to finance your own defence budget or float your own currency.
Not sure what the Welsh want other than a £10K increase in salary for all their assembly members to £64K per annum. The Cornish people are already banging the drum for independence and you wouldn't like to bet they won't get it in some grovelling attempt to buy votes come the next election.
So, what do we say to an Independent Cheshire? We may as well jump on the wagon while it's rolling our way. We could be the Fake Bake capitol of the Western Hemisphere with our own special 'recipe.'
Obviously those 'ladies' from Real Housewives of Cheshire would be our ambassadors. They could roam the globe selling Cheshire as a centre of style and panache. They might even learn to speak in sentences or create an entirely new language (Gobbing-Off?)
Oh yes, I'm warming to the idea now. Obviously we'd need our own (orange) flag and a coat of arms (Wayne Rooney astride a horse perhaps?).
Just imagine how proud Michael Jones will be when his 'Council' becomes a Parliament? King Michael... no... no... no that would make it a republic and that's a step too far even for Tories.
How about President Jones? Yes, that will do nicely. Find him an Oval Office and he'll be as happy as a demagogue in a Politbureau.
Chains of office... now there's a topic to warm the cockles of a Wilmslow councillor. A newly independent Cheshire would require some hugely embellished regalia or an orb even?
I can just picture Frank Keegan opening the new Parliament in his velvet gown with golden orb clutched firmly in hand. I'd pay to see that.
You know what? This independence malarkey might be more fun than I first thought.
"I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny!
You have come to fight as free men. And free man you are!
What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?"
"Two thousand against ten?"
"Can we let you know when we get back from Abersoch, Mel?"
The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of alderleyedge.com.